I'm not in a good place right now. I have dreams. And I've had to sacrifice so many of them because I can't accomplish the simplest tasks. Homework is not a choice. Failing tests is not a option. You don't get to do that if you want to succeed. I guess I don't want to succeed, since I'm not doing my homework and I'm failing my tests. D's are still failures. They aren't F's, but they aren't A's. And they aren't B's or C's.
My dream of an academic honor's diploma is gone. It's not happening. I've accepted that and I'm now trying to move on as best as I can with that knowledge. I'm probably not going to be section leader, and I really wish I could say I have some seat of power in Mystiques, but I don't. I'm not in 3PT, and everyone seems to be accomplishing the things that I can't. Except for my brother. But he's in his own mess now.
I suppose now would be the time to cease with this little pity party, but I have a couple more days to wallow in misery before I have to start actually being responsible. I wish I had a role model. I wish I had someone who understood my situation from my perspective and could help me. But there's no manuel for high school. Everybody talks about all that "making friends/staying true to yourself" bullshit. But that's not what I'm struggling with. I know who I am. Apparently not very many people like it. I used to, but now I'm not really liking it either.
So I guess it's time for a life change. They're liars, you know. The hardest part isn't changing, it's sticking to it. But I'll do my best. I have my boyfriend by my side. I hope I'll have others, but at this point I'm not counting on it. If I want to do this it has to be me, because apparently I can't count on anyone to help me make this happen. Mom? Sorry, but your lackluster and hard-headed support is no help to me. I'm sorry you fucked up your first child, but I won't let you do that to me. I'm sorry it took you this long to understand that you were doing something wrong, but I'll try and fix the mistakes you made. Please don't stand in my way.
Everyone else? Fuck you. I'm so tired of drama, and I'm so tired of having to be fake. I don't LIKE people. I don't like being social and I don't like passing friendships and I don't like large groups and I don't like cliques. I don't like people talking during my TV shows and I don't like people interrupting me when I'm reading. I don't like your judgmental looks or the passing glances you give me because you don't think it's worth it to say hi. I know you talk about me behind my back, and I think it's pathetic that you waste your time complaining about me. I'm sick of trying to be someone I'm not. Because that's all I've been doing. I've tried to fit into social groups that don't want me there, and I've tried to arrange large group deals. But no one wants me to do it, so I'll stop trying. I'll get over that ache in my stomach at the sight of all the happy photo albums on facebook, and I'll pull my mind away from all the memories from afar. I haven't figured out who I am quite yet, but I know I'm not you, and it's time to start facing that. Whatever my problems are, you don't appreciated them or care about them, so I'll stop trying.
I wish I could go away like Sam and just not see people for a while. Just escape and figure things out and not have to deal with people. That's not going to happen, so I hope I can find a safe place here in this chaos.
I suppose this is done.
p.s. I hate you, Bailey. I just needed to put that out there.
