Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

High School

High school is no walk in the park. It's not simple. It's not easy. It's not something you can brush off, or do on a whim. It's not middle school. If you fuck up high school, you fuck up your life.
I'm not in a good place right now. I have dreams. And I've had to sacrifice so many of them because I can't accomplish the simplest tasks. Homework is not a choice. Failing tests is not a option. You don't get to do that if you want to succeed. I guess I don't want to succeed, since I'm not doing my homework and I'm failing my tests. D's are still failures. They aren't F's, but they aren't A's. And they aren't B's or C's.
My dream of an academic honor's diploma is gone. It's not happening. I've accepted that and I'm now trying to move on as best as I can with that knowledge. I'm probably not going to be section leader, and I really wish I could say I have some seat of power in Mystiques, but I don't. I'm not in 3PT, and everyone seems to be accomplishing the things that I can't. Except for my brother. But he's in his own mess now.
I suppose now would be the time to cease with this little pity party, but I have a couple more days to wallow in misery before I have to start actually being responsible. I wish I had a role model. I wish I had someone who understood my situation from my perspective and could help me. But there's no manuel for high school. Everybody talks about all that "making friends/staying true to yourself" bullshit. But that's not what I'm struggling with. I know who I am. Apparently not very many people like it. I used to, but now I'm not really liking it either.
So I guess it's time for a life change. They're liars, you know. The hardest part isn't changing, it's sticking to it. But I'll do my best. I have my boyfriend by my side. I hope I'll have others, but at this point I'm not counting on it. If I want to do this it has to be me, because apparently I can't count on anyone to help me make this happen. Mom? Sorry, but your lackluster and hard-headed support is no help to me. I'm sorry you fucked up your first child, but I won't let you do that to me. I'm sorry it took you this long to understand that you were doing something wrong, but I'll try and fix the mistakes you made. Please don't stand in my way.
Everyone else? Fuck you. I'm so tired of drama, and I'm so tired of having to be fake. I don't LIKE people. I don't like being social and I don't like passing friendships and I don't like large groups and I don't like cliques. I don't like people talking during my TV shows and I don't like people interrupting me when I'm reading. I don't like your judgmental looks or the passing glances you give me because you don't think it's worth it to say hi. I know you talk about me behind my back, and I think it's pathetic that you waste your time complaining about me. I'm sick of trying to be someone I'm not. Because that's all I've been doing. I've tried to fit into social groups that don't want me there, and I've tried to arrange large group deals. But no one wants me to do it, so I'll stop trying. I'll get over that ache in my stomach at the sight of all the happy photo albums on facebook, and I'll pull my mind away from all the memories from afar. I haven't figured out who I am quite yet, but I know I'm not you, and it's time to start facing that. Whatever my problems are, you don't appreciated them or care about them, so I'll stop trying.
I wish I could go away like Sam and just not see people for a while. Just escape and figure things out and not have to deal with people. That's not going to happen, so I hope I can find a safe place here in this chaos.
I suppose this is done.

p.s. I hate you, Bailey. I just needed to put that out there.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

the urge to live
is gone from my soul
I have nothing left
I've lost all control
I'm locked in a cage
I need to be freed
beauty so uncanny
it cannot be seen
by most of the population
they've lost the sensation
of living
and breathing
of seeing
and being
it pays so little
but costs a lot
what would you give
to grab a spot
in the books
in the texts
in the histories
of humanity

the popular vote
has gone to the dogs
I'm a ship at sea
in a social fog
I'm stuck in one place
yet moving all the time
held in slow motion
at the drop of a dime
holding my breath
can't take the suspensel
ife so complete
it don't have to make sense

Within

the rain smells like fire
a burning depression
commit to my soul
a sacred obsession
the cult's not enough
satanic - too weak
not powerful enough
for this kind of relief
bordering on insanity
jumping lines
breaking down walls
destroy that which defines
my being, my soul
my lack of true faith
in the world, in the men
that dictate the divine
opression's too heavy
supporesion - not worth it
I try to diffuse
the pressures that surface
I cannot succeed
but I'll try again
to take on the anger
and pain that's within

Timelessness

time slows itself
on this spacious earth
as it tries to hide
from emotional worth-
(less-ness) of it all
crashes down on me
too much to live
not enough to be
it's all relative
as my mind slows down
but I can't pull back
it's the life I chose
to live with myself
it all comes back
as I crash and burn
it's a cold hard fact
it's not what we wanted
didn't sign up for this
we try so hard
but can't help but miss
because you're always gone
too much to do
never felt so wrong

Top to Bottom

this strange town
has got me on edge
and you caught me
climbing the way
to freedom
I was on top
but I just can't stop
and think straight
the words are jumbled
falling out of my mind
I'm going to fast
I can't wait this time
to tell you
that I'm leaving you behind

Anymore

been crying more lately
too much going on
how can I take it
everything's going wrong
there's no way to handle
this mass of misery
just leave me alone
oh why can't you see

I don't need you to tell me
what went wrong
I don't need you to help
me along/with my issues
you're making it worse
but I don't want to fight
this anymore (anymore 3x)

These Dark Streets

when your eyes search the room
do they find me?l
ost in the gloom
you're all I see
doom and destruction
rule this city
but I'll survive this revolution
if you come with me

gothic days
demons in the night
I won't die here
I'll live and I'll fight

you're running for your life
and I can't catch you
you're tearing yourself apart inside
and I can't save you
it's dark in the city
you can't run away
the light's not so pretty
as you watch the demons play

so you escape with me
from this city called Eden
the golden ones pray
as they stay here bleeding
we cannot save them
or we won't survive
we can't go back
dead or alive

gothic days
bloodshot nights
the fighting must stop
whe'er I live or I die

Monday, September 15, 2008

I close my eyes
the lines blur
and then they disapear
the colors dislove
there are no walls
in my chamber of fear
the dark closes in
it pulls me in
and yearns for my ashes
I know I must try
but I cannot win
the battle being fought within

"Angry at C" Song

you always think
that you can do no wrong
but if you couldn't
I wouldn't be singing this song
stop lying to yourself
stop cheating on me
it's bad for you
and worse for me
where is your mind, dear?
'cause I don't know
let me make this clear
that I won't go
(along) with your [stupid lies]
and [silly mistakes]

...
waiting for you
I stand in the halls
the shuffle of bags
heavy footfalls
none are yours
where have you gone
I'm so alone
should've known all along

they warned me about you
I shoulda known
turns out it's all true
and I'm done...

I'm sick of your lies
I'm sick of your cheating
I'm sick of your shit
and not telling me things
I don't know
what you want me to do
but I'm all done
with me and you

Time

time flies, time lies
time cheats, and time dies
time is a question
and I have no answer
time is a history
and time knows what we were
time is the sunset
time is noon
time is what you have
and I'll have soon
time to regret
and time to think
time to love you
but I'm too weak
I cannot hold out
for time too long
I cannot wait
'cause tomorrow's almost gone

Saturday, September 6, 2008

It's Time For An Intervention

It's time for an intervention
a hiatus from myself
I can't take my shit anymore
put my life up on a shelf
leave it there, in the dust
and go off on my own
find a new place,
buy a new face
and leave my past alone

traveling far, traveling wide,
living life on the road
i'm trying to escape
but can't quite make
these thoughts go away
you're always there
you never leave
my mind is going numb
the wind in my face
puts you back in your place
and I ride 90 with the top down

It's time for an intervention
a hiatus from myself
I can't take my shit anymore
put my life up on a shelf
leave it there, in the dust
and go off on my own
find a new place,
buy a new face
and leave my past alone

i'm getting closer
to my goal
and you still stay away
I shout for my luck
and still I hope
i can make it
before you catch up

...

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Perils of Curiosity

The Perils of Curiosity
A Tale of Treachery and Woe in the face of Inquisitiveness
By A Fond Reader


To most people, being curious is a good thing. It invokes knowledge and learning, and brightens the soul. In my case, however, curiosity was not a welcome thought, feeling, or reaction. In my case, curiosity was fatal.
My tale began at my simple home in Yorkshire. A townhouse, with creeping vines and a deceptively secretive air about it that would catch my interest on no too few occasions.
It was at this townhouse that I spent my early years; schooling and housework were my main goings-on, at least on the surface. By age ten or so I had learned much of what I could through the menial teachings of a common educator, and my interests wandered elsewhere – mainly onto the subject of the house where I resided.
You see, I was not necessarily a wild child, per say, but I was extremely independent in my own rights. I had no mother to speak of, and any father I had was off doing otherworldly things, of which I clearly was to take no part. This, consequentially, is where I was wrong.
Indeed, I would end up affecting my father’s work very much. Or, rather, my father’s work would end up affecting me in the most unpleasant of ways.
What my father did for a living was at that point (age ten) unknown to me. The most of what I knew about my father came from not-so-well-kept secrets, and whispers in the kitchen; that sort of thing. Although I did not gather many details – and nothing about my mother – his general persona came to be known to me so well that if I passed him on the street I would turn and stare, for his presence, or even absence, was rather unforgettable.
From what they in the servants wing shared, he was a rather wicked man; a wretched soul with sinful goals. He took no part in religion and was rumored to be an atheist, although this was so uncommon at the time that the notion was brushed off as unlikely, and shuffled off for days with less speculation to be discussed.
Many theories went around about his exact occupation – ranging from an accountant who steals from his bank to a spy for MI6 that had betrayed the government for a capital. The only thing that was certain, however, was that he had done something very, very wrong.
--
As mentioned before, I was a very inquisitive child. I explored my residence thoroughly, snooping and eavesdropping all the while. Every once in a while I discovered something I wasn’t supposed to: the stable boy and one of the kitchen maids in a broom closet, some birthday presents hidden away for better times. But in general there wasn’t anything too exciting.
However, one day, there was.
It was a fairly typical day – aside from the fact that Father was coming home in a few days and the servants were in a flurry, all activities proceeded as usual.
I started out with a fairly normal day. Panya, my maid, was late with my breakfast, but that was only to be expected in such a time of frantic restoration. After breakfast I went to lessons. Madame Finnάl kept me caged up in the workbooks for about an hour, by which point I had read through several books and finished that day’s lesson. Finally I was released and I spent the remainder of time between tea (I always brought bread and cheese and jerky on my endeavors so there was no need to stop for lunch) looking for somewhere new to explore, and as the time grew closer to an end, I finally did.
I was in the upper regions of the house, practicing my lock picking – it was a recently acquired skill and I was eager to test my skill – and found a peculiar door. I had seen the door before, and recognized it, (for I knew all the features of my home backwards and forwards) but I had never been able to enter it. The door was rather mysterious, with its dark wood and intricate carvings. I reached for the knob and, as I did, I recalled how it had burned my hand the last time I ventured to try and enter it.
Ah, but what better time to test my skills! I cried silently.
And so I pulled out my tools and examined the lock. It was old and slightly rusted; quite a challenge. I grinned and examined the lock and tools, carefully choosing the correct picks. Finally the right ones came clear to me and I gently inserted them into the lock, maneuvering them through the cogs. A slight sting came from the lock, but I ignored it as the wonderful click emanated from the lock. It seemed to reverberate through the hall, and I glanced back a moment as if to watch it leave.
Then I turned back and stood. My hands were still on the knob, and I turned them. The door swung out slowly, but I noted that not a squeak could be heard. Then I stepped into the dark room.
It was almost pitch black and I could see very little, but I was terrified to go back for a candle in the case that somehow the door would be locked again when I came back, and I would never get this chance again.
I groped along the wall looking for a light. Finally I found a dusty switch and flipped it on whilst shielding my eyes against the sudden brightness. Amazingly, though, the light was very soft and demur, and when I looked for the source I found a lamp with a sort of shade thing on it. How peculiar. I leaned in to examine it.
But there were more interesting things to explore in this room. I explored chests and cabinets filled with obscure objects and dusty texts. The room seemed to be a long, wide hall, filled to the brim with nonsense stuffs, and I wondered at its size. It was quite possibly the most random and complete set of trivial things that I could ever imagine. I explored it thoroughly and animatedly.
Then I reached the end of the hall. There was a door, identical to the one at the beginning of the hall. I paused, unsure about what to do. On one side, it could be a completely different door (the more common sensical reasoning) on the other side, it could be the same door and some kind of trickery was being played out (the less rational, but more likely reasoning). Then I shrugged, not wanting to bother with guesswork and hypothesizes. Walking up to the door charily, I pulled out my lock picks.
My hand shot out, quite entirely of its own accord, and grasped the handle firmly. Slowly, carefully, I twisted it…
And was pulled. Thrust forward. Drawn, heaved, hauled, lugged. By some unseen force I was dragged into the…well, as odd as it may seem, I was drawn through the door handle, if I’m not mistaken. I heard a distinct popping sound, and felt a squished sensation. Then it was over, and I was sitting in the dimly lit room once again.
Except, as I looked around, I saw that it wasn’t quite the same room. Everything, every little detail, was completely backwards. As in, the opposite of the other room. An exact copy, down to the smallest crack on the wall, was here.
I sat down, not knowing what to do. Clearly something happened that was paranormal and quite out of my grasp, and I knew to not attempt any sort of escape. From what I had heard of such things, meddling any further would only hurt severely, not help.
--
I sat there for a while; ages, really, not really doing anything but sit and try not to think. I didn’t know how long I sat there – I still have no idea. But eventually something happened, thank the gods.
I had been sitting there for a long while, not really doing anything but laze about, when the door opened silently (I only knew this because I had been facing the door at the time) and a man walked in. It took me a moment, for I had never actually truly met him before, but then I recognized the man as my father.
Needless to say, I felt no urge to go up and hug him.
“You? What are you doing here?” He asked impatiently, as if he didn’t actually care, but still felt the exacting need to know why I was intruding his space.
“I could ask you the same. I, for one, was exploring.” I said fearlessly. This was not a wise thing to do, apparently, for provoking him only proved to anger him further.
He said nothing to me then, but made a few complicated motions and spoke ominously in some foreign language. It sounded almost like Latin to me, but I couldn’t be sure.
As he spoke and gestured the air in the room warmed and stirred. There was no wind to be spoken of, yet the air seemed to whirl around me. It felt like being wrapped in a warm blanket, yet I took no comfort from the feeling.
His voice rose steadily and I trembled slightly, terrified at not knowing what was going on. I had only come here to explore, yet now I was in a whirlwind of anger and obscurity.
Finally the chanting ended at a crescendo, and I froze when my father did. He smiled suddenly. But it was a grim, satisfied smile. The smile of someone who has just murdered their worst enemy, rather than the sort of satisfied smile of mine earlier.
“Maybe now you have learned your lesson, child. I told you when you were small to never go wandering in this place; you disobeyed me, and now you are being punished. Your curiosity has become your enemy, and dissatisfaction is now your companion. I hope you are happy together.” He cackled once more, and went with a flourish, leaving me to sit on the ground, confused as only a ten-year-old can be.
--
I was stuck there. I have not left that room since that fateful day years and years ago. I have not died, and I have not gone hungry. I have grown old, and I expect to be driven to sleep some day soon. I await it patiently, for I have learned to control my inquisitive and impatient nature in my time here.
I cannot say that my father was right to put me here - what kind of person locks another in an inescapable prison such as this? – but I now understand his reasoning, and I have forgiven him. Even in this desolate place I have learned much, and I spend my days cleaning the room by the soft glowing light.
I have learned since that day that the echo I followed was actually a warning call to its master, and after that lock was undone I had no chance of survival. My fate was sealed, I suppose.
I still have my lock picks. They sit in the corner by the door, waiting for the day when I will be daring enough to try them out once again. That day will not come; I have listened to my message and have heeded the warning.
I will sit here, then, for all days. Not a thing can be done for my situation; don’t try and find me. I was locked in a room in Yorkshire, and that is where I shall stay. And someday, when the world is a better place and men like my father no longer reign free, someone will find me and set my curious spirit free.
What shall I do until that day comes? Why, I shall wait. I shall write my story and I shall wait.
Because no matter how curious you are, no matter how strong your will may be, it can always be broken by someone who has the right tools.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I really can't think of a title for this right now...

i don't have the words
to say what i mean
i cannot describe
what i know or have seen
life is so hard
and it just gets worse
and will be til the day
i break this curse
i just can't beat it
i know that now
you cannot defeat it
not blood nor foul
a life will remain
no matter who dies
the evil's still there
you can see it in your eyes

you can't claim possesion
over what you do not own
and the pain won't go away
'though you scream and you moan

life is not an object
it can't be held or bargained
you cannot trade for what you want
there is no way to win

...

Psychological Pain

i cry and i cry
as i dance in the rain
i try to be numb
so i can't feel the pain
life is so tedious
trials and tribulations
i'm so sick of the help
and pointless conversation
don't say what's wrong
i don't want to know
just hide it in
the manilla folder
if it's bad don't let it show
let me have my time
here on this sweet earth
let me live my life
and love, for what it's worth

What's with the happy???

what is with
all this happiness and bliss?
it won't go away
and i'm about to get pissed
i write my own work
yet it can't be done
'cause if happy is final
then i'll burn in the sun

Trapped

I'm trapped inside these walls
this prison cell
and the only sound
is my tears falling
white as can be
the walls stare down at me
and i stare back
longing for my freedom
i can't say it isn't fair
i can't say i didn't try
i cannot cheat
i cannot lie
you do not trust me
i know this now
i can't say that i blame you

...
(more to come)

Hate

Hate is a strong word
but the only one i'd use
when describing you
my feelings for you
aren't close to love

I hate you
yet the word
doesn't even come close
I hate you
there's nothing else
to say (but)
I hate you
look what you've done to me
I can't forgive you
and I can't make excuses anymore

I sit in this room
and contemplate my revenge
it's the only thing
I can do anymore

Monday, August 4, 2008

Dark Thursdays

a single tear drop
fell down my cheek
and I wondered
what it was for
i tried to decide
but couldn't think
'cause
the emo was too sore

dark makeup and jet black clothes
got some evanescence blasting
out my windows
stark white walls like a prison cell
what can I do to get out of this hell

Wednesday after marching...

so, I was crying myself to sleep tonight, and the song Big Girls Don't Cry came on my ipod.
Oh, the irony.
There's so many things that i've done well, but so many more i regret. When will the good outweigh the bad? When will I stop crying because of all the emotional baggage?
When will I stop doubting myself and others?
Or does it never stop?
How can I be optimistic when there's so little hope for a happy ending, when there's so little to be happy for? Sure, I have reasons to be happy. And all my sadness and hatred just seems petulant when I look back on it. But the problem is, that just makes it worse.
I suppose i'll go on...everyone breaks down at some point...right?