High School

High school is no walk in the park. It's not simple. It's not easy. It's not something you can brush off, or do on a whim. It's not middle school. If you fuck up high school, you fuck up your life.

I'm not in a good place right now. I have dreams. And I've had to sacrifice so many of them because I can't accomplish the simplest tasks. Homework is not a choice. Failing tests is not a option. You don't get to do that if you want to succeed. I guess I don't want to succeed, since I'm not doing my homework and I'm failing my tests. D's are still failures. They aren't F's, but they aren't A's. And they aren't B's or C's.

My dream of an academic honor's diploma is gone. It's not happening. I've accepted that and I'm now trying to move on as best as I can with that knowledge. I'm probably not going to be section leader, and I really wish I could say I have some seat of power in Mystiques, but I don't. I'm not in 3PT, and everyone seems to be accomplishing the things that I can't. Except for my brother. But he's in his own mess now.

I suppose now would be the time to cease with this little pity party, but I have a couple more days to wallow in misery before I have to start actually being responsible. I wish I had a role model. I wish I had someone who understood my situation from my perspective and could help me. But there's no manuel for high school. Everybody talks about all that "making friends/staying true to yourself" bullshit. But that's not what I'm struggling with. I know who I am. Apparently not very many people like it. I used to, but now I'm not really liking it either.

So I guess it's time for a life change. They're liars, you know. The hardest part isn't changing, it's sticking to it. But I'll do my best. I have my boyfriend by my side. I hope I'll have others, but at this point I'm not counting on it. If I want to do this it has to be me, because apparently I can't count on anyone to help me make this happen. Mom? Sorry, but your lackluster and hard-headed support is no help to me. I'm sorry you fucked up your first child, but I won't let you do that to me. I'm sorry it took you this long to understand that you were doing something wrong, but I'll try and fix the mistakes you made. Please don't stand in my way.

Everyone else? Fuck you. I'm so tired of drama, and I'm so tired of having to be fake. I don't LIKE people. I don't like being social and I don't like passing friendships and I don't like large groups and I don't like cliques. I don't like people talking during my TV shows and I don't like people interrupting me when I'm reading. I don't like your judgmental looks or the passing glances you give me because you don't think it's worth it to say hi. I know you talk about me behind my back, and I think it's pathetic that you waste your time complaining about me. I'm sick of trying to be someone I'm not. Because that's all I've been doing. I've tried to fit into social groups that don't want me there, and I've tried to arrange large group deals. But no one wants me to do it, so I'll stop trying. I'll get over that ache in my stomach at the sight of all the happy photo albums on facebook, and I'll pull my mind away from all the memories from afar. I haven't figured out who I am quite yet, but I know I'm not you, and it's time to start facing that. Whatever my problems are, you don't appreciated them or care about them, so I'll stop trying.

I wish I could go away like Sam and just not see people for a while. Just escape and figure things out and not have to deal with people. That's not going to happen, so I hope I can find a safe place here in this chaos.

I suppose this is done.

p.s. I hate you, Bailey. I just needed to put that out there.

Avatar

Best. Movie. Ever.
I don't even have the words. I'm practically speechless. The English language does not have the words to describe this movie. Some say it's alright...they're wrong. It's fantastic. amazing. astounding. I cried, so so hard. I...well, I didn't laugh. But I definitely fell in love. Fell in love with the characters, with the world. It was one of the best movies I've ever seen.
Go see it. Love it. Then go see it again.

Quick - Think!

Aside from the obvious irritation created by my complete lack of ability to cope with most remotely difficult situations, I seem to be functioning fairly well lately. I have a boyfriend of two weeks that I haven't broken up with yet, and - oh shit! no! the thoughts are starting! the NEGATIVITY BEGINS! I thought I had longer! I thought I might survive this! oh no! shit!!! shitdamn! Get your life together! FRICK!

...I can't journal right now. it just won't work. nevermind. good-bye.

<3>

Choose. Make a decision. Prioritize.

These words have haunted me since school began. Parents, teachers, coaches, directors; they've all been telling em to choose.

As if I could.

For those of you that aren't aware of the basics, I'll go ahead and outline everything:

I am currently involved in

• Marching Band (Crimson Rage)
• Show Choir (Mystiques)
• Cross-Country
• Advanced Theatre/Soon-to-Be Musical
• RAC (Reader's Advisory Club) - presidency

This, plus honors/AP classes, adds up to a lot.

Thus far I've done alright at making all of my commitments equally. I've gone to as many practices as physically possible, and kept up almost completely. Unfortunately, though, I'm not a god. I can't do everything.

That concept (of my imperfection, of sorts) was realized to a deeper level when I, for a time, was forced to give up my RAC presidency due to time constraints. Thankfully I've managed to retain the title for a later period, but still; it was a close call.

Unfortunately I've reached another speed bump: the musical. This year we're doing Guys and Dolls. As you may be aware, I want to be a theatre teacher. This means it's absolutely vital that I have as active a roll as possible in the acting community. My commitment to the choral and theatrical departments is priority, above all else.

Looking at the schedule today, I eventually came to the conclusion that, once again,I must make a choice.

I can only do one thing.

Cross-Country, or Guys and Dolls.

I know what I would choose, if I had to. The musical, without a doubt. Yes, that would mean quitting Cross-Country. Remember, though, that I never meant to join XC in the first place. It was completely on a whim. And even though I don't regret joining - the team has taught me more that I can express - I feel like I'm going to have to prioritize.

And it hurts.

On the first bathroom stall in the XC locker rooms there's a quote on the door. It reads

"It's not about how much you do, but how much love you put into what you do."

-Mother Teresa

This is also something that has repeated itself in my mind. It is a constant, and my mantra. So much of our lives are taken up with achieving our goals. Do, do, do. But what if what you're doing isn't something you love? What if you don't even know why you're doing something?

I do what I do to improve myself. To grow. The flower does not grow seeds needlessly - it has a purpose for what it does, and does it for a purpose.

That is what I must do. I know my purpose. Now I must figure out if what I'm doing is contributing to that purpose, or just holding me back.

So many choices to make.

Ah, the Misadventures of K106

So I'm once again forced to delay the completion of my test due to the fact that the geometry pictures won't appear. Brilliant.

But then again, it gives me time to discuss things with you! Huzzah!

For starters, school is starting.

Terrible, I know. It's just the most tragical thing ever.

Except for the part where I get to see all of my wonderful friends! Granted, I get to see all of my horrid enemies, BUT it all sort of evens out in the end.

Next: Rachael. Ew.

Maddie and her are best friends. It's really extremely sickening. She's a stupid cow, and I hate her. And I don't CARE that my mother told me not to trash people on the internet. I usually don't trash people, but she's definitely the exception to the rule. And if she sees this and wants to come kill me? Well she can try, because I'll effing kick her skinny ass.
It's quite special, because now we're writing more than ever about her stupidness, so it's all good.

I must go now, actually, seeing as I should, you know, do my finals...*cough* yes. Alright, then. Toodles!

Ben

i. Ben
a. We should just be friends
1. Flirting with Carmen/other girls
- It bothers ME: I can’t take all of the random grabbing people from behind and the winking and the random flirting. I have a tolerance level, but it does not extend that high.
- It bothers CARMEN: Do you know how weird it looks when you stand beside your girlfriend’s best friend instead of by your girlfriend? Really weird.
2. Hygiene issues
- The cologne thing: okay, it’s not THAT big of a deal, but really. Is it that difficult? I don’t think so.
- Teeth: um, gross. ‘nuff said.
- Acne: Have you seen Drew? His pizza-face-ness is NOT pretty. And no, I don’t care whether it will ever get that bad. All I know is that right now it’s gross, at best. So DO something about it! It’s really not that difficult!
- Sleep: I’m kinda tired of calling you in the morning to make sure you’re up. I don’t do it THAT often, but it’s obnoxious that I have to do it at all! And I KNOW you are very stressed and thus stay up super late but really. I manage to get up at six every morning – why can’t you?
3. emotional dependency
- work load: I know you’re super duper stressed with all your work, but it’s getting unhealthy. You need to know when to stop, and you DON’T.
- I can’t keep being used as an emotional crutch. Maybe sometimes, I suppose, but that’s a best friend job; not a girlfriend. At least, not completely.
4. Random other stuff that bothers me
- The random noises you make? They aren’t cute. They’re weird.
- No matter how much we try, the junior-freshman thing is not going to work. I need to hang out/date kids my age. It’s just a fact.
5. Contribution from Niobe?

Twilight is becoming the new generalization...

Yeah, you know you know what I'm talking about!

"he's such a MIKE"

"she's such a jessica!"

"ewwww he's a tyler"

"omg what an Edward "

Oh, you KNOW what I mean.

so yeah, maybe I have a few of my own.

WHAT??! don't act like it's uncommon!!!

SO. FIRST.

We have our....

Edward.

Guess who?

Oh, you KNOW who.

that's right.

Ben.

((go figure))

And WHY, you may ask, is Ben EDWARD?

well lemme tell you.

Ben is Edward bc Ben has decided to be completely selfless, overthinking, kinda awesome at like everything (except a few things, but hey, he's only human *coughhackdie*), and, oh, maybe just REALLY PALE WITH AWESOME HAIR.

right.

So THEN we must find out the OTHER HALF!!!

Remember, this doesn't actually apply most of the time. but it totally applies RIGHT NOW so i'm going to USE IT, DAMMIT!

My Jacob?

((Yeah, in case you didn't catch that, the next person i'm talking about is Jacob.))

Whoa. go figure.

soooo.....he's....

Chris (Hensel, I mean)

It's crazy shit, man!!! Like, you never would've thought it, but he kinda is. I mean, it's really random and whatnot, but he IS really warm and cuddly (and him being warm-ish was how I realized how this all fit) and he's kinda tall and...well, he generally looks like Jacob, and although he doesn't work with cars, he is in Vet school, so yeah. And he's older than me, not younger, but it's about the same age difference.

AND when we were at csz him and Ben were all like *claim Sarah*. It was amusing. Not necessarily consistant (Ben claimed a lot) but still...enough that it counts.

Okay, so, laugh at me all you want. it's a silly theory, I know. But at the same time, it TOTALLY fits.

OH! ONE LAST THING!

Mike = Mike

*shudder*

((IKR??!))

But yeah. So....there's that little thought...yaaaaay...

okay, have fun now.

Hope you enjoyed my fascinating little spiel there.

ps: ttly sorry for not posting last night; my cpu was being a bitch...ack. :(

~Sarah

THE LIST

The List

Yup, that's right, people. I'm officially making a list. You know you want to be on it. Everyone does. Because it's a GOOD list! It's my list of favorite people. Biased, I know, but true. And if I don't keep a list then I'll never be able to remember who I'm currently concentrating my efforts on...

To the list, then!

1. Carmen - Because you are magnificent (<- word of the...month?!) and wonderful and probably won't even be angry that I'm totally taking your color-ing scheme :)

Plus you're the bestest friend ever. I mean, most people would've probably abandoned me by this point - whether due to my lack of smoothness or blatant disregard of anyone else's feelings - but you, saint (or martyr?) that you are, managed to deal with me for long enough to whip me into shape...that's right, Carmen. I'm whipped. Are you proud of yourself? :P

2.Ben - okay, so, maybe not the BEST person for the job, but you people've got to admit that he's awesome...I mean, he's funny, interesting, cute enough to be nice to look at, and generally nice to talk to and hang out with. [insert long-ish paragraph about Ben in which I complain about our teeter-totter relationship...I'll put that in another entry...] He's an amazing friend, and even though he's not quite as awesome as Carmen and is sometimes clingy, I can't help but remember how much fun we have.

3. Chris (Hensel, for those of you who are complete idiots) - He's, like, fantastic... :) I mean, we had MAAAAAJOR issues earlier (bad fight...ack, not going into it!) but now we're all good, except for the part where he's at PURDUE (A.K.A. worst place ever). I mean, I can stand it most of the time (for instance, he's coming home for a visit this weekend) but I am SLIGHTLY worried about when I turn sixteen and it's then legal for us to do "shit"...right. We'll see how THAT goes down...

3.5. Jake - This dude...alright, well, my reader(s) know why he's third(-ish) on my list, but that's not the ONLY reason why he's third. We're not the BEST-est of friends, but from what all I do see of him, I positively love. He's nice, and funny, and a GREAT boyfriend, although not to anyone who deserves it... *cough* Really, though, besides the huge temper issue, he's a great guy, and an awesome friend. ish.

4. Michael - Okay, so, he's steadily lost points since we started being friends...but he's reliable, if nothing else. I mean, who else will agree with me on virtually anything, and go along with my every whim? Um, no one! At least, not both at the same time. So I'll just deal with his freakish clinginess and need for love...somehow...

4.5 Rachael - Oh, rachael...She know I love her...but really, eventually it gets so very tiresome to deal with all her shit all the time. Not to mention the fact that she's COMPLETELY screwing over Jake, whom happens to be tying for third on The List. Not cool. But in the end she's pretty fun to hang out with, and random enough to keep my interest.

5. Maddie - She used to be much higher, but now we're drifting apart, and I'm not happy with how she's treating a lot of the issues in her life. Like Rachael, she refuses to realize that her life actually MATTERS to some people, and that some things are just necessary to deal with! But I still love her, which is why she's still on this list.

Ummm....Wow, I just realized that, except for Carmen, all of the commentary on these were somehow a complaint...that's rather depressing. But oh well. I still love everyone on there, and maybe I'll have some good things to say soon :)

For those of you reading, I apologize for having such a depressing entry for you...I'll do better, I swear!!!

Romeo Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

Okay, so, I can talk about this since the only people reading my blog are...one person...*cough* so yeah.
life, as a whole, isn't too bad. i mean, everyone has their problems...everyone. including me.
mine aren't too bad...but then again, there's this ongoing one...it's not so easy to deal with. and now that i've told someone (you lucky bastard, you...) i feel like everyone should know. but they shouldn't. which makes it THAT much harder!!!
Most people don't like their (best) friend's boyfriend. because it's awkward. and at the same time, most people who DO like their (best) friend's boyfriend don't try to help them along as a couple. it's just insanity! so why do i do it? bc i'm insane. -.-
you know what i did tonight? (tonight being valentine's day) i babysat for six hours, and talked to both my (best) friend and her boyfriend. yup, the one i like. probably one of the most tiresome things ever. like, emotionally draining. one last part of my convo with her consisted of:
"...jake was sweet about it though"
"lol you guys are so cute. :]"
"i dont want anyone else. ever really :)"
"[well i think you're good.]" <-- i don't remember what I wrote there... "im very good. haha" it's SO hard to be supportive of someone when you know that 1. they're completely and totally unhealthy for him, and 2. you like their boyfriend! I feel like I'm rambling too much about this...but yeah. I'm not happy :( so basically, Valentine's Day was a bust....

Is...Well...Out of Conflicts!!!

Wow.
this is such an odd feeling.
you would think that I would come on a blog to complain about things in my life.
but...
nope.
I don't have anything to say.
well, that's not true.
I could go on a rant about rachael and jake
or I could talk extensively and in great detail about my budding friendship with Ben (which is taking some interesting turns, I must say)
but really there's nothing worth talking about.
Rachael...nah. drugs + weird relationship issues + totally unstable = not fun.
ben...there's too much open ground there! I seriously wouldn't even know where to start! It's SO complicated...and yet so simplistic. or it would be, were I a slightly less psychotic person. but then again, that's why they love me...
carmen...well, we don't have an issue! we're doing great! Fantastic, even. We have projects going, we're communicating, we're working together, and we have even more plans to bond and get back into a groove.
other things...what other things? small blessings? fantastic. home life? ehhh tolerable. new phone? still jailbait. but oh well. nothing new there...
there's always the pending invitation to Purdue this weekend, provided my mother approves. who knows, I might actually get to go! but that's still turbid (<--vocab word! imma beast.) so frankly I don't have much to talk about there either.

so basically I just spent a whole blog entry talking about how I have nothing to talk about.
yaaaaaaay bullshitting!!!

-Sarah
<3

Sarah Dessen

Now, I know this isn't an actual "blog" because I don't actually "blog" about anything, but today is an exception. I feel the need to tell you all about Sarah Dessen. She is an AMAZING author!!! Seriously, if you haven't read anything by her then you just suck. (except if you're a teenage guy, in which case it's understandable. kind of.)

So far I've read Just Listen and This Lullaby by her, and they were both fantastic. I am a LOT like Remy (This Lullaby) but I totally connected with Annabel (Just Listen). It was sooooo weird, too. I cried at one point because something in the book was so like my life.

I truely believe that her books can change your life. I'm giving Just Listen to Tavy, and I hope she likes it.

I hope you all get the chance to read her work, and take something from it.

-Sarah

<3

Wednesday after marching...

so, I was crying myself to sleep tonight, and the song Big Girls Don't Cry came on my ipod.
Oh, the irony.
There's so many things that i've done well, but so many more i regret. When will the good outweigh the bad? When will I stop crying because of all the emotional baggage?
When will I stop doubting myself and others?
Or does it never stop?
How can I be optimistic when there's so little hope for a happy ending, when there's so little to be happy for? Sure, I have reasons to be happy. And all my sadness and hatred just seems petulant when I look back on it. But the problem is, that just makes it worse.
I suppose i'll go on...everyone breaks down at some point...right?

Mistakes

People make mistakes. People make mistakes that are often considered trivial or unimportant. People make mistakes that they view afterwards as stupid or more regretable than others. And people, most of all, make mistakes that cannot be remedied.
Often these are mistakes that hurt a friend, or harm an innocent, or even cause oneself to view themselves differently - for worse, more often than not. And these are the mistakes that we regret the most because they are the ones that - although they may not seem as severe as larger ones in the past - are inflicted harder, and cut deeper.
I have made mistakes like this before. I have cut people, have cut friends and family. I have caused pain to those I love, and through this have caused pain to myself.
Is this pain I have caused myself selfish? Is my pitying myself for this pain arrogant? Is my making a deal out of this pointless or melodramatic?
I don't think so.
Yet when I look back upon the mistakes that I have made, and then back on the sorrows the mistakes have created, I find that my reactions and my actions are foolish and regretable. I find that I do not act in a manner that befits me. I find that my motives and my aims are not fully innocent and honorable, and I am ashamed of this.
--
Some things I have done cannot be made better. I try and fix what I can, but not everything is fixable. There are something you can't go back from; there are some things you can't make better. And what do we do with these things? We leave them. We shove them in the backs of our minds and let them smolder and burn us every time we reach into those dark corners and find it still there. Those painful memories and deeds still hurt, and there's nothing you can do about them.
How do you fight monsters that don't exist except in your mind? How do you try and fix problems that everyone else has forgotten? Why do you remember, when everyone else has let it go?? And if everyone else has left it in the past, then why do you remember? What is the point of this pain and regret? Does it mean that you shouldn't remember? Does it mean that you are silly, that your thoughts and feelings are stupid and that everyone else is better than you because they don't feel the pain of these wounds?
Why is it you that still remembers? Why is it you that cannot forgive and forget? And why is it yourself that you cannot forgive, yet you forgive the actions and words of others who have hurt you worse? Do the things you do to hurt yourself actually matter more than that of outsiders? Do the blows that you strike upon yourself take harder, if only because you inflict them upon your own skin, your own body?
And if that is the case - if self-inflicted pain is the worst of all - how do you avoid it? Is it unavoidable? Is it only left to fate whether your past haunts you and your future taunts you? Do your actions now mean nothing, if the past is still there? If no one remembers what actually happened, but they still judge you for it? Those lingering feelings, and those unsure thoughts about if you're actually a better person, if you're actually not a backstabbing who-knows-what.
And we don't know. We don't know any of it. We don't know how people actually think of us. So what do we do? We bite our nails and hope that our actions then don't affect our status now.
--
Maybe I don't know anything. Maybe I'm just spouting nonsense.
But I do know this.
Mistakes you make are made because of your reactions to others. It's not what they do that creates the problem. It's what you do because of - or in spite of - their actions. Their words, their actions, their feelings, are all null and void if you don't fall for the trap. If you don't take the plunge.
So don't do that. Don't fall into the abyss. Because it's like quicksand. The more you move and try to fix it the worse it'll become. If you just lay there...you'll float.


-Sarah