Mistakes

People make mistakes. People make mistakes that are often considered trivial or unimportant. People make mistakes that they view afterwards as stupid or more regretable than others. And people, most of all, make mistakes that cannot be remedied.
Often these are mistakes that hurt a friend, or harm an innocent, or even cause oneself to view themselves differently - for worse, more often than not. And these are the mistakes that we regret the most because they are the ones that - although they may not seem as severe as larger ones in the past - are inflicted harder, and cut deeper.
I have made mistakes like this before. I have cut people, have cut friends and family. I have caused pain to those I love, and through this have caused pain to myself.
Is this pain I have caused myself selfish? Is my pitying myself for this pain arrogant? Is my making a deal out of this pointless or melodramatic?
I don't think so.
Yet when I look back upon the mistakes that I have made, and then back on the sorrows the mistakes have created, I find that my reactions and my actions are foolish and regretable. I find that I do not act in a manner that befits me. I find that my motives and my aims are not fully innocent and honorable, and I am ashamed of this.
--
Some things I have done cannot be made better. I try and fix what I can, but not everything is fixable. There are something you can't go back from; there are some things you can't make better. And what do we do with these things? We leave them. We shove them in the backs of our minds and let them smolder and burn us every time we reach into those dark corners and find it still there. Those painful memories and deeds still hurt, and there's nothing you can do about them.
How do you fight monsters that don't exist except in your mind? How do you try and fix problems that everyone else has forgotten? Why do you remember, when everyone else has let it go?? And if everyone else has left it in the past, then why do you remember? What is the point of this pain and regret? Does it mean that you shouldn't remember? Does it mean that you are silly, that your thoughts and feelings are stupid and that everyone else is better than you because they don't feel the pain of these wounds?
Why is it you that still remembers? Why is it you that cannot forgive and forget? And why is it yourself that you cannot forgive, yet you forgive the actions and words of others who have hurt you worse? Do the things you do to hurt yourself actually matter more than that of outsiders? Do the blows that you strike upon yourself take harder, if only because you inflict them upon your own skin, your own body?
And if that is the case - if self-inflicted pain is the worst of all - how do you avoid it? Is it unavoidable? Is it only left to fate whether your past haunts you and your future taunts you? Do your actions now mean nothing, if the past is still there? If no one remembers what actually happened, but they still judge you for it? Those lingering feelings, and those unsure thoughts about if you're actually a better person, if you're actually not a backstabbing who-knows-what.
And we don't know. We don't know any of it. We don't know how people actually think of us. So what do we do? We bite our nails and hope that our actions then don't affect our status now.
--
Maybe I don't know anything. Maybe I'm just spouting nonsense.
But I do know this.
Mistakes you make are made because of your reactions to others. It's not what they do that creates the problem. It's what you do because of - or in spite of - their actions. Their words, their actions, their feelings, are all null and void if you don't fall for the trap. If you don't take the plunge.
So don't do that. Don't fall into the abyss. Because it's like quicksand. The more you move and try to fix it the worse it'll become. If you just lay there...you'll float.


-Sarah

Cold

the cold
it seeps into my bones
and I can't breath
for it's holding me
in its icy grip
like my fear
it has a hold
on my thoughts
and my actions
and the cold
chills me
so I can't feel
what you feel
but I try anyway
because it's the only thing to do
and maybe it'll get better
the frost will melt
and my heart will warm
but for now I'm frozen
in this icy sea

I float in the abyss
not ready to sink
but not ready to fly
it's obvious I'm scared
but I'm too cold to care
and again it chills me
it sinks in
so cold it's hot
and although I'm frozen
I'm not numb
my mind is sharp
all the details stand out
my mind is a crystal
and I see all the faucets
some are murky
with darkness and confusion
but most are clear
and I know
what I have to do

I have to clean up the mess
I've left in my mind
clear the clutter
and focus
the cold helps me
I freeze in motion
my life keeps turning
but my heart is frozen in place
can you help me?
will you free me
from this prison?
I need your help
to get there
and no one else will do
you'd better hurry up
the cold is creeping in
soon it will take over
and then we'll be undone

so if you're going to come
then hurry up and save me
there's not much I can do
so it's all up to you now

and if the cold does catch me
I suppose that's okay
I'll survive, I'll be fine
just a little chilly

Choking

((this isn't finished, and I might add to it later, but here it is so far...))

your words

they choke me

I feel your hands

surround my neck

and they choke me

they take my life

I cannot cry out

and you don't care

I want to fight back

but I do not care

The process is painless

if I just let go

release is so easy

when you choke me

Why don't you free me?

the pressure is so great

it pushes down upon me

and burns my skin

The marks are searing

and don't go away

--

yeah, I don't know where to go now...

Storms - Song

Storms

A storm is raging

a storm of emotions

the lyrics, they waver

and I need stability

it's clear above the clouds

but they go on forever

and the lightning strikes in between

the storm does not settle

it goes on forever

the way I escape is for only tonight

I only have one chance

to make it right

the storm is my cause

my burden to carry

no one can help

I just ask you be wary

of my roiling emotions

they're not for the

faint of heart

try and prove me wrong

and see the lightning strike

Revisit to the last poem thing

Why should I

care what you think

Why should I

stay around and sink

in this abyss of

smiles and kisses

your tender loving kisses

and god knows I miss it

your beautiful sweet kisses...

Really long Poem/Song/Thing about rain and feelings and stuff

The rain, it patters on my shoulder
as I listen for you
the wind, it is my shelter
as my sould yearns for you
my heart, it shatters as I hear the news
too much for you

When did you decide to let me go
how did you expect me to know
my heart can't answer silent pleas
the world is empty - I can't see

the rain as it glistens
mix my tears
it streams down my face
I don't fear
anymore

Why should I
care what you think?
why should I
stay around and sink
in this abyss of your
smiles and kisses
as it drowns my
inner being
my soul tears apart
your words fade
and all I can hear
is your lies and
guilty pleasure
all I feel is your
pressuring stare
I can't take what
you try to throw at me
all this is
is my, all this is,
is my, all this is
is my
heat, passion and fury
my lack of care
anymore
I can't take what
you throw at me
I can't catch
your piles of shit
for you
anymore

Not Sure What This Tune Is...

You got the songs about staying best friends
you got the songs about silly social trends
you got songs about everything
...so what do I sing?
I sing songs about
life, love, pursuit of happiness
fun, sun, and all the rest
I've got so much to sing
I guess I'll just sing about everything!

--

wow. I just threw up a little. This is why I write emo poetry.

Ooh! Switch Up! It's a SONG!

Wrote a song last night...eh...

--

I'm so sick, so sick of knowing you

so sick, not much else I can do

so sick, so sick of trusting you

so sick, oh how can I chose

You were my friend

you were my pal

you were my suicide hotline, oh

you've got my back

you tried so hard to be

all that I needed

But there's no way

for us to be at all

no way can I do this all

what you want is too much

for me right now

too much, too much, too much,

I need it!

--

I'm not sure where it goes from there. I think I fell asleep after that.

-Sarah

Yet Another Unnamed Emo Poem

I’m sitting here
In the bright sunlight
How can I be so sad
Yet live in this sunshiny world?
When you get depressed
Aren’t the skies supposed to turn grey?
Everyone shares your pain
And the world turns ashen?
What happened to empathy
And living with the guilt?
How am I the only one suffering?
Am I really just overreacting?
Do I really just see attention?
If this is me pretending
Then what am I when I’m real?

I know I’m not a faker
So why do they say I lie
Is it really possible that they don’t know
Or am I just not showing what I feel?
Whose fault is it
That I’m this way
Or is it no ones at all?
Is it possible not to lay blame
And for things to just happen?
Or are we avoiding the subject
Because we’re cowards?

My thoughts turn over in my head
Oh look, the sky’s turned grey
I guess I’ve got my sad world now
Are you happy for me?

-Sarah

Random Emo-Or-Not Poem

You say that I write emo poetry
well that may be true - tell me, what do you see?
I see a girl with no lack of sadness or agression
afraid to be loved but don't like possesion
I see a boy who's got eyes for one thing
he sees a good girl and gives her a ring
he's got the eyes and passion so she says okay
but once it happens it'll never go away
so she'll sit with the guilt and the worry and fear
she's lost everything that she once held dear.
the rhymes may be right but the heart is so wrong
how can it be in love when it sings that sad son?
is that all love is - a sorry dance or a jig?
or is there no love, only a sick, sexist pig
who steals your life and love and laughter
who won't let you be happy, not then or hereafter?
it it really that simple, or do we have a hope?
is there such a chance, or is it all just a joke?
it can't be that simple, when it's all said and done
or there's no point of the laughter, the love, and the fun.
I guess I'll find out, someday soon or someday later
and until that happens I'll say he's just a hater. ;D

--

It's kind of random and nonsensical, and a bit ghetto here and there, but I was high off cold meds last night and wrote a poem, so...here it is.

-Sarah

Complications - Poem

Uh, okay, this really isn't about anyone in particular...It kind of started out like that but then I'm not sure where it went from there...feedback rocks!

Complications

Would you be offended
If we were going too fast?
if the adrenaline rush
was steering off path?

Would you be annoyed
if I had to wait?
If I didn't know yet
if I wanted to date?

And what if I say
that I don't want you back?
If I turn this around,
if I go off-track?

Would you still like me
if I just wanted to be friends?
Do we have to be typical?
Why follow social trends?

And if I just want a hug
would you take it badly?
Will you be nice
or will I leave sadly?

And can we go to the movies
without making out?
Can we just sit in
if I want to sit out?

And what will happen
with the pressure from others?
Will you still be mature
or make jokes about mothers?

Can I trust you to be
a faithful friend?
or will you be bitter
and make this the end?

If I made a mistake
and want to be done
can we still be cool?
Can we still have fun?

And if I wanted to stop
before it even began
would you call me a coward
and say that I ran?

And if I'm inexperienced
and you wanted to know
would you laugh in my face?
Would you let it show?

Can I be open
but not get hurt?
Can you be brief
but not be curt?

Would you cut me off
if I'm not al in?
I have so much to say -
where do I begin?

My feelings are jumbled
but one and the same
I'm sick of this pointless
silly old game

I suppose when I'm ready
I'll let you know.
But until that happens
don't make us a show.

Don't make us an object
of public display
don't laugh but don't pity
my hurt and dismay.

I'll be fine, I swear it
I can move on.
It may take some time
but it's darkest before dawn.

-Sarah